Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada Read online

  LES DAWSON’S CISSIE AND ADA

  Copyright © Terry Ravenscroft, 2011

  Cover artwork by Tom Unwin

  A RAZZAMATAZZ PUBLICATION

  *****

  About the author

  The day after Terry Ravenscroft threw in his mundane factory job to write television comedy scripts he was involved in a car accident which left him unable to turn his head. Since then he has never looked back. Born in New Mills, Derbyshire, in 1938, he still lives there with his wife Delma and his mistress Divine Bottom (in his dreams).

  email [email protected]

  facebook http://on.fb.me/ukZ78e

  twitter http://bit.ly/t0mVyB

  website www.topcomedy.co.uk

  Also by Terry Ravenscroft

  CAPTAIN’S DAY

  FOOTBALL CRAZY

  JAMES BLOND - STOCKPORT IS TOO MUCH

  INFLATABLE HUGH

  DEAR AIR 2000

  DEAR COCA-COLA

  STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN

  I’M IN HEAVEN

  THE RAZZAMATAZZ FUN EBOOK

  ZEPHYR ZODIAC

  (Will be published early in 2012)

  Sample pages of each of these titles can be read at the end of this book.

  ****

  LES DAWSON’S CISSIE AND ADA

  FOREWORD

  Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada is a collection of some of the scripts I wrote for Les when I worked as his scriptwriter during the years 1978 to 1983, originally on two series of the BBC's 'The Dawson Watch' and subsequently on three series of 'The Les Dawson Show'. Les was Ada Shufflebottom of course, and Cissie Braithwaite was played by Roy Barraclough, who later went on to star as Alex Gilroy in Coronation Street.

  Les Dawson, British comedy's finest, was a joy to know, in real life exactly the same person you saw on your TV screens. Writing comedy scripts isn't the easiest of occupations , but writing Cissie and Ada was easier than most scriptwriting jobs I undertook because as a boy I grew up amongst women much like Cissie, and especially Ada, hair-curlered Ena Sharples-like harridans who would habitually spend a good part of their day standing on their front doorsteps commenting to each other about the disgusting state of the curtains at number 29 over the road - “She’s had them up since D-Day” - before going on to do a demolition job on the character of the woman at number 14 who was 'no better than she should be' and 'too thick with her lodger for my liking - well I heard her bedsprings going at three-o-clock this morning and her husband's on permanent nights'. As a twelve-year-old I actually heard one such woman say to another, when discussing a neighbour who had been generous with her favours to American GIs during the war, “She had more soldiers than Eisenhower.” Naturally this found its way into one of the Cissie and Ada scripts, years later.

  These female characters were based on people Les Dawson knew in real life. To further portray the reality of northern, working-class women, Cissie and Ada would sit with folded arms, occasionally adjusting their bosoms by a hoist of the forearms. This is of course typical of pantomime dame style, an act copied faithfully, as Les would be the first to admit, from Les’s hero Norman Evans, who had made famous his act ‘Over The Garden Wall’.

  My abiding memory of Les is of him standing at the BBC Club bar during the hour between dress rehearsal and show time, having already had a couple of double scotches, whilst the show's producer Peter Whitmore looked anxiously on, hoping against hope that Les wouldn't order another. Les ordered another. "Don't you think you've had enough, Les?" said Peter, “We've a show to do remember." Les bade the barman fulfil his order, turned to Peter, and in the voice of a great Shakespeare tragedian actor said: "I can't go on alone." Priceless.

  Another story, which demonstrates Les’s razor-sharp wit, occurred shortly after Les had left Yorkshire Television for the BBC. The Beeb’s powers-that-be had come up with a show format for Les, ‘The Dawson Watch’, and in their infinite wisdom had saddled him with four writers fairly new to television scriptwriting. They were Andy Hamilton, Tom Magee-Engelfield, Colin Bostock-Smith and me. After the first show it was apparent that Andy and I were coming up with the sort of material which suited Les whereas, for one reason or another, Tom and Colin weren’t. The following day Peter Whitmore took Les to one side and said, “Oh by the way, Les, I’ve had to let Magee-Englelfied and Bostock-Smith go. Quick as a flash Les said, “Well that’s got rid of four of the buggers.”

  A further anecdote typical of Les gave birth on another recording night when, with the audience settled in their seats for the 7.30 start, Les was nowhere to be seen. Search parties were quickly sent out. Les was eventually run to ground in the BBC canteen telling jokes to two cleaning ladies. The P.A. who found Les said, “Les, for God’s sake, there’s an audience of three hundred waiting for the show to start.” Les, without showing the least concern said, “Make that three hundred and two,” turned to the cleaning ladies and said, “Follow me girls.” And they did.

  Les is sadly no longer with us, and television repeats of his work are few and far between, so perhaps these Cissie and Ada scripts, which were brought wonderfully to life by Les and Roy, will go a little way towards filling the void he left. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.

  Terry Ravenscroft, June 2011.

  THE ART GALLERY

  AN ART GALLERY. CISSIE AND ADA ARE LOOKING AT A LARGE PAINTING, A LANDSCAPE BY THE FRENCH IMPRESSIONIST CAMILLE PISSARRO. CISSIE IS OBVIOUSLY VERY TAKEN BY THE PAINTING, ADA LESS SO.

  CISSIE:

  Oh yes. Very artistic, isn’t it, Ada.

  ADA:

  Well if you like trees it is.

  CISSIE:

  French, if I’m not mistaken. (SHE REFERS TO HER BROCHURE) Yes, I was right. It’s a Pissarro.

  ADA:

  They’ll do it anywhere these foreigners.

  CISSIE:

  Camille Pissarro was a famous Impressionist, Ada.

  ADA:

  What, you mean a sort of French Mike Yarwood?

  CISSIE:

  Honestly Ada, I can’t take you anywhere. You’re pig ignorant, you really are. For your information Impressionists were painters who paint without elaborate finish or detail.

  ADA:

  Well the Co-op Decorators do that. Have you seen the state they left my front room skirting boards in, I’ve seen less streaks on two pounds of belly pork.

  CISSIE:

  If, as I suspect, you are totally uncomprehending in matters of good taste and breeding, Ada, kindly keep your gob shut!

  ADA:

  Well there’s no need for that, I’m sure.

  CISSIE;

  Well you’d test the patience of a saint, you really would. I mean you were just the same when I took you to that exhibition of ‘Clothing Through the Ages’ when we went to Rhyl. Showing me up like that!

  ADA:

  What do you mean, showing you up?

  CISSIE:

  You know very well what I mean. When the guide pointed out those corsets and said they were from William and Mary. And you said ‘Are they as good as Marks and Spencers?’

  ADA:

  Well I’m very sorry I’m sure but some of us haven’t had the benefit of your education, have we. I mean I could only go to school every other day, what with being a twin and only one pair of knickers between us.

  CISSIE:

  But you were both in the school hockey team surely? What did you do then?

  ADA:

  If it wasn’t my day for the knickers prayed it wasn’t windy.

  CISSIE:

  Yes well accompanying me round this art gallery will give you the chance to catch up on your education. It can do you nothing but good.

  ADA:

  This i
sn’t doing my feet any good, they feel like a couple of globe artichokes.

  CISSIE:

  Oh stop complaining will you, we have a lot to get through yet.

  THEY WALK ON. SUDDENLY ADA SEES A STATUE OF A NAKED GREEK GOD. IT STOPS HER IN HER TRACKS.

  ADA:

  Ooooooh! (SHE QUICKLY COVERS CISSIE’S EYES AND TRIES TO WALK HER PAST THE STATUE)

  CISSIE:

  What the….what do you think you’re playing at, Ada!

  ADA:

  Just keep walking, Cissie.

  CISSIE PUSHES ADA’S HANDS AWAY.

  CISSIE:

  Get your hands off me, you daft…. (SHE SEES THE STATUE)…oooh! Oh I say.

  ADA:

  Well I did try to save you from it.

  CISSIE:

  Yes. Thank you Ada, love.

  ADA:

  Disgusting, isn’t it.

  CISSIE:

  Positively scandalous.

  THEY BOTH CARRY ON LOOKING AT THE STATUE, UTTERLY TRANSFIXED, IN AWE.

  CISSIE:

  I wonder who sculpted it?

  ADA:

  I don’t know, but he wasn’t short of clay.

  CISSIE:

  It could be Moore, I suppose.

  ADA:

  Oh not much more, surely.

  CISSIE:

  I meant Henry Moore, the sculptor! Or on second thoughts it could be Rodin. He did 'The Thinker' you know.

  ADA:

  Well that would give you something to think about, that's for sure.

  CISSIE:

  Honestly Ada, your mind! You’ve got a point though, because he’s certainly a big lad and no mistake.

  ADA:

  I thought he had three legs at first.

  CISSIE:

  I wonder what it’s called? (SHE NOTICES A PLAQUE AND LEANS FORWARD TO READ IT)

  ADA:

  Be careful Cissie, it could poke your eye out.

  CISSIE:

  (READS OFF THE PLAQUE) It’s called ‘Waiting’.

  ADA:

  Yes and he’d be waiting a hell of a long time if he was mine. Hey, can you keep a secret, Cissie?

  CISSIE:

  Well of course I can.

  ADA:

  That’s the first grown-up one I’ve ever seen.

  CISSIE:

  Oh come on Ada, you don’t expect me to believe that, surely. What about your Bert, you must have seen him undressed?

  ADA:

  Not once, Cissie. The whole time we’ve been married. No he’s always got undressed in the dark. He says it’s because when his mother was carrying him it was during the war and she was frightened by a searchlight operator.

  CISSIE:

  Well now that you’ve seen one, what do you think?

  ADA:

  I think I’m going to go back to the vicar who married us and ask for a rebate on my marriage licence.

  THEY WALK ON.

  ****************

  MAKING ECONOMIES

  ADA'S KITCHEN. ADA IS DOING THE IRONING. THERE IS A TAP ON THE DOOR AND CISSIE COMES IN CARRYING A FRYING PAN.

  CISSIE:

  It's only me Ada, love.

  ADA:

  Oh it's you Cissie. I was just ironing my smalls.

  CISSIE:

  I was wondering if you could help me out, only they've turned my electric off while they're putting my new cooker in. It's Italian you know, to match my Dilusso fitted units. Rather apt when you come to think of it because Leonard and I are into Italian cuisine. Veal Napolitano, that sort of thing. I cook several at once and pop them in the freezer.

  ADA:

  Fancy.

  CISSIE:

  Last night we had a frozen risotto.

  ADA:

  Ours used to do that regular until Bert lagged the pipes. He made a lovely job of it with the stuffing from an old duvet and a pair of leg warmers.

  CISSIE:

  I didn't realise your Bert was into do-it-yourself?

  ADA:

  Well the council won't do anything will they. Won't lift a finger that lot. I'm fed up with complaining about that hole in our bedroom ceiling, it snowed last night and me and Bert woke up in a drift.

  CISSIE:

  Oh I wouldn't be putting up with that.

  ADA:

  It's scandalous, Cissie. Bert spent most of the morning digging out the jerry. Then he had to grit round the bed before I got out because you know what I'm like on snow, with my legs. So you're having a new cooker fitted? Electric is it?

  CISSIE:

  Yes, I've always sworn by electric. I've always found it more economical.

  ADA:

  Well it can't be dearer than gas because I just can't keep up with my gas bills. That oven of mine uses more gas than a Zeppelin. You want to see them dials going round on my meter, it looks like the tote on Derby Day. Do you know what my bill was for the last quarter? Seventy three pounds.

  CISSIE:

  Yes but then there are appliances on your gas bill aren't there.

  ADA:

  No, Bert got his truss off the National Health.

  CISSIE:

  You see it bumps up you're bill if you're paying for things like gas fires and such. And of course they do make a standing charge.

  ADA:

  They can make a cavalry charge if they like, I'm not paying it. I've used nothing like that much gas, I've cut right down. Me and Bert have even started bathing together to save on hot water.

  CISSIE:

  Oh I say, that's a bit risqué.

  ADA:

  It's damn risky. It's the last time I let him loose with a loofah I can tell you. I make him use a flannel now.

  CISSIE:

  Well there's nothing wrong with that I suppose, as long as you keep him away from the erogenous zones.

  ADA:

  Well we're not keen on holidays abroad. Anyway what can I do for you chuck?

  CISSIE:

  I was wondering if I could use your cooker to finish off this dish I'm making for Leonard's tea. Coq au vin. Have you ever tried coq au vin?

  ADA:

  No but I once let a Italian put his hand up my jumper on the back seat of his Fiat.

  CISSIE:

  Honestly Ada, you really are pig ignorant. Coq au vin is French for chicken in wine. And I'd like to finish it off on your cooker if you don't mind.

  ADA:

  Well you can if you want but I don't think you'll have much joy.

  CISSIE:

  Well I am used to the convenience of electric of course, but I can work miracles on a gas cooker.

  ADA:

  You'll need to, they've cut my gas off.

  CISSIE:

  Oh Ada, love. When did this happen?

  ADA:

  Yesterday. I was just about to bake a pie for Bert with the rhubarb he's grown in the back garden.

  CISSIE:

  My Leonard's rhubarb is quite something this year. He puts manure on it.

  ADA:

  Bert prefers custard on his.

  CISSIE:

  So how are you managing to cook if they've cut your gas off? I suppose you and Bert could have a gazpacho.

  ADA:

  Yes but you can't live on love alone, so I thought I'd do kippers.

  CISSIE:

  And how are you proposing to heat them up?

  TWO KIPPERS POP UP OUT OF THE TOASTER.

  ADA:

  Where there's a will there's a way.

  CISSIE:

  Well if you want my opinion your mind should be on more important things than feeding your Bert. You should be thinking about how you're going to get yourself out of this financial crisis you've managed to get yourself in.